this is why you hate your birthday every year.

and how to fix it.

i turned 32 on November 23, and i cried during my birthday dinner.

tears of joy, thankfully.

it was 39ºF outside, i was in a black dress that made me feel grown, and i was in a cozy Italian restaurant in Brooklyn with my soon-to-be husband- and suddenly while we were on our first glass of pinot noir, i had a wave of gratitude that washed over me. i couldn’t help but appreciate how far i’d come from being a twenty-something that always loathed her birthday (often because it routinely falls either on or around the same time as thanksgiving, which can make creating plans difficult), and even moreso because there was a time when i didn’t know what my thirties had in store for me.

all the birthday bouquets i received this year from my loved ones <3

birthdays have often been a point of contention for me. as someone who just really wants to have at least one defining moment of every solar return (i blame the sagittarius in me), it only seems right that your birthday is the day to do just that. but the reality is, we need more than one day a year to celebrate the fullness of our lives. we need time to unpack all the lessons we’ve learned in the last 365 days, and most importantly, we need to put effort into making those memories mean something valuable to us.

when we make our birthday a clumsy project instead of a celebration, we risk losing the joy and spontaneity that make the day truly special. it's easy to get caught up in curating the perfect moment or striving for an idealized version of what a birthday should look like. but birthdays aren't meant to be performance art—they're a sacred pause, a chance to reflect on how far we've come and embrace where we are, flaws and all. instead of chasing perfection, maybe the real gift is allowing ourselves to simply exist in the moment, surrounded by love, gratitude, and the gentle reminders of our personal evolution.

here’s some reasons why you might hate your birthday:

1. you’re celebrating it with the wrong people. if you’re spending every year with birthday dinner demons (aka those “friends” who argue over the bill when it comes, show up hella late to your birthday dinner, or just complain the whole time) well, baddie…what do you expect? spend your birthday with the people who make you feel loved, appreciated, and cared for and if that only comes down to 1-2 people that’s better than a table full of frenemies who actually never wanted to be there in the first place.

2. you’re putting the responsibility of making the day special on everyone else instead of making a little bit of effort of setting an intention yourself. instead of waiting or expecting the people around you to come up with grand gestures for your birthday, why not set an intention yourself first? do you really want to do another birthday dinner, or are you okay with a solo self care date instead? do you really want to force yourself to go clubbing even though you hate it, or could you save up a little throughout the year to go on a mini getaway or trip instead? whatever it is, making the effort to plan before your birthday rolls around will at least give you time to plan something you truly enjoy, not just settle for what’s available.

3. you’re comparing your birthday budget to your favorite influencers and celebrities and feeling like it’s not enough. i’mma hold your hand when i say this baddie: turn off the influencer vlogs for a second. stop comparing your life to people whose reality is a stark contrast from your own. it’s perfectly fine to have aspirations, but if the content you’re consuming is making you stay in a comparison trap instead of motivating you to activate your own potential, it’s just another form of escapism. figure out what it is you’re comfortable spending (if you even want to spend money at all) on your special day, and create a realistic plan that will get you there over time.

4. your birthday falls on a holiday. okay so we’re in the same boat, baddie. the angsty 13-year-old version of me hatedddd when my birthday fell on thanksgiving, because instead of going shopping at LimitedToo with my allowance like i wanted, i had to help set up the dinner table and wait until after to celebrate. this is something we can’t control, but this is where planning ahead becomes so important. either do something the day of or morning of the holiday that’s just for you, and if you’re lucky enough to have loved ones that know you well, they'll probably have a birthday cake ready (very likely for dessert…sigh) with your name on it.

5. your birthday is around a time that reminds you of grief or loss. okay, not gonna lie- this one’s tough. grief has a way of casting a shadow over moments that are supposed to feel light and joyful. it’s okay to feel conflicted or even sad around your birthday if it overlaps with a period of mourning. instead of forcing yourself to feel celebratory, try to honor both your emotions and the person or memory you’re grieving. light a candle, do something they loved, or take a moment of stillness to acknowledge the impact they had on your life. your birthday can hold space for both grief and gratitude—it doesn’t have to be one or the other.

6. you’re comparing your birthday to younger versions of you when your parents or caregivers put more effort into planning it. we all go through this at some point: the realization that we are the new adults. it’s okay to miss the magic of those childhood birthdays when all you had to do was show up and blow out the candles. but as we grow older, birthdays shift from being about what others do for us to how we choose to celebrate ourselves. instead of comparing, think about what would make you feel seen and loved now. whether it’s a quiet day with close friends or a solo adventure doing something that brings you joy, you have the power to create new traditions that reflect the person you are today.

me in preschool on my birthday, clearly over it already.

now that we know a little more about the why of hating our birthdays, here’s the how on ways we can make it better and more meaningful every year:

here are some of my favorite birthday rituals, practices and traditions:

1. writing yourself a letter. i swear by this. it’s even better if you make it intentional and light a candle, play some music or have a cup of your favorite tea/wine/beverage nearby to make it sensual and sexy and memorable. thank yourself for being you and embodying the bad bitch that you are.

2. doing something different with your appearance, big or small. for me this year, it was getting a brand new hairstyle (curtain bangs with long, face-framing layers which i’m in love with), but other times it’s been a new tattoo, doing my makeup differently, switching up my wardrobe, or just embodying a bit of an alter ego to remind myself it’s my life, i’m grown, and i can do whatever the tf i want.

3. actually buying yourself a birthday gift. and don’t be cheap with yourself either! so, we pay all these damn taxes and you can’t buy yourself a lil’ birthday trinket? tuh! i think tf not. buy the damn shoes girl.

4. choosing a word or theme that you want to embody for your new year. i think i’ve had softness as my word for the last 3 years in a row (because honestly, i was still healing from the nightmare of 2020 for the longest time) and choosing a theme definitely worked its magic and served its purpose. but my theme for this new year is to stop playing small. and to remind myself every single day how powerful, capable, resilient and how much i deserve it all. i am that bitch, the blueprint, and so much more. as doechii said: “I’M EVERYTHINGGGGGG.”

5. taking yourself on a solo date before/during/after your birthday that’s solely just for you. for me this year it was a 90-minute massage and my first cupping session, and i legitimately felt brand new. other cool ideas are: a tarot reading, book store date, float therapy/sensory deprivation tank, or signing up for a cool class like pottery, an instrument, or another skill you’re excited to try.

6. try doing individual dates with friends instead of one joint celebration. personally, i hate group birthday dinners which is probably why i’ve never had the desire to have one. i keep a tight knit circle as it is, and i’m the type of friend that prefers on-on-one quality time rather than doing group hangouts. actually, i rarely hang out with friends in groups larger than 2-4 people at a time, and i can’t really see myself wrangling up all of my different friend groups (some which live in different cities/internationally at that) at a crowded restaurant every year the week of thanksgiving. more often than not, on my birthday, i usually opt for a getaway, staycation or planned international trip with my man (shoutout to him for always proactively planning my birthday and making it feel like a national holiday every single year), and then later on about two weeks’ worth of super fun, curated friendship dates with all my loved ones, and it creates memories that still make my heart warm. making custom perfumes, spa days, painting classes, and a cannabis-infused 3 course dinner are just some of my favorite birthday memories with my day ones.

me in Paris on my 30th birthday <3

while i am a firm believer that people will show you how they truly feel about you on your birthday, and sometimes it’s sobering to realize that you’re not receiving the same level of effort, care or consideration on your special day as you attempt for others’ - ultimately, it is still your day and you have the autonomy to decide how you want to spend it whether it’s lowkey or you do the absolute most.

remember, it’s your party and you absolutely can cry if you want to- but hopefully during your next birthday, you’ll remember reading this and you’ll make the intention to celebrate your special day and cry tears of joy instead, because you deserve it, baddie.

be sure to listen to this week’s micromoment on this topic, and remember follow us on IG, YouTube and subscribe to our podcast, The Soft Life with Saddie Baddies®.

stay soft and talk to you soon, baddie.

softly,

Priscilla